14 Things Bartenders Want To Say Back To You, But Cannot

While being a bartender seems to be like a cool job (imagine, having access to booze of every kind), it also has its ups and downs. Sure, bartenders may know how to create the best drink there is, but they also have to listen to hammered bar patrons yammer on for hours or deal with guests that are extremely rude or annoying. And if they could only express the many thoughts running through their head, they would probably tell you these:

1. What time do you get off?

“What time are you leaving?”

2. Can you start me a tab please?

“Is that a Titanium Black AMEX? Don’t be cheap.”

3. I’ll tip you next time.

“Too bad there won’t be a next time. I already know you aren’t coming back.”

4. It’s my BIRTHDAAAYY! I wanna free birthday shot.

“How about a barmat shot, that’s free.”

5. What do you like to make?

“Tips. All bartenders like to make tips. Now, what would you like to drink?”

6. Working in a club must me so much fun!

“Ya, cleaning up puke/broken glass while babysitting drunks is a blast.”

7. OMG, that bouncer is so rude. How dare he ask me to get off the bar?

“#1. You are a lawsuit waiting to happen. #2. Everyone can see your hello kitty underwear.”

8. When is the DJ going to play house?

“Looks like you’re SOL because this is a hip hop club.”

9. I’m not that drunk.

“Dude, you’re cut off. You just chased your straw around the glass with your tongue.”

10. [Slurring] My drink is so weak.

“Just wait until I pour the next one.”

11. I lost my phone/purse/shoes/keys/wallet/scarf/umbrella/sunglasses…

“Come on! Keep track of your belongings. Drunk people love stealing anything and everything, including reserved signs to light-up ice buckets.”

12. Can I have a cranberry vodka?

“Sorry miss, we don’t carry cranberry flavoured vodka. Would you like to try a vodka cranberry? SMH.”

13. Do you know who I am?!

“Obviously I do not. You’re the guy asking me who you are.”

14. Surprise me.

“Rocky Mountain Bear Fucker* it is. Maybe you’ll stop asking me to surprise you.”
*A Bear Fucker consists of equal parts Bacardi 151, Tequila, and Jack Daniel’s. Sounds tasty, right?!